I don’t know how to play.

I mean I DO - I’m just not great at it, and it does not come easily to me.

Play — /plā/
verb

engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.

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Wow - yep - that’s not me.
BUT I happen to be married to someone who is pretty good at this.

Something that has totally inspired me lately is watching my husband, Jeff, dive deep into a side project he’s excited about. Every free moment he has, I find him working on it. He’s having fun, and he tells me about it. There’s no guarantee that this project will turn into anything, but that does not keep him from doing it. It is an actual form of play.

Which is weird to me, because I struggle to do this myself - but ok.
I’m jealous.

I feel like I’ve been in this grown-up body most of my life. I am an only child of divorced parents who have also passed. My experience of childhood and not having siblings led to a few things that are embarrassingly sad.

I spent A LOT of time with grown-ups. I could play a mean game of Continental Rummy while they drank their drinks and smoked their cigarettes. Deal me in! I’ve never played Monopoly. I rode my bike around the block alone.

OMG - so stupidly depressing. BUT my point is PLAY for the sake of fun - for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose, was totally different for me growing up. And for better or worse, that has followed me into adulthood.

Here are some positives —

• I’m extremely self-sufficient

• I can craft a vision and then actually turn it into a business.

• I see potential everywhere

• I’m pretty in touch with my feelings because I’ve spent lots of time listening to them.

• I like to win.

• I’m a dreamer.

Here are some negatives —

• It’s tough for me to do something silly or just for fun.

• I want my efforts to be attached to an outcome.

• AND I want the potential outcome to be successful.

• And if there’s a doubt, you can forget it.

• What is the point of doing something for “fun” if it leads to absolutely nothing?

But it was different for Jeff growing up, so what he’s brought into his adult season is also different.

He had a childhood built around play. Board games that would go on for days. He’s a middle child, and there were always lots of kids in his house. Even as a grown-up, he has hobbies just because he likes them. He has scheduled times during the week when he plays video games with friends. He’s actually made friends in other states just by meeting people while playing!

It’s taken me years to look at that window of time he’s set aside for himself and not think it's a waste. And then to take that window and think about something I’d want to do for myself. Something fun to fill it with AND not feel guilty about not being productive. Using that time for any kind of PLAY has felt wasteful.

Which Jeff finds totally ridiculous, and I’m so glad he does.

I’m so grateful that he hasn’t fallen prey to my ways of thinking.

Let’s get real. My issues are more than likely coming from a place of survival from childhood that should never have been present to begin with. A self-preservation mentality when I really should have been allowed to be a kid. A kid that knew how to have fun, to chill the freak out, and to ummm - maybe laugh and enjoy life.

So as a grown-up, that is an area I’ve been working on. I get to “play” in my job. It’s required, and there is an outcome attached to this play… Being a Grammy has allowed me to bring more silliness into my life. Silliness that I was probably too uncomfortable to have with my own kids when they were little.

This unlearning takes time, friends. There’s so much undoing to be done.

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Here’s my point.

I’m betting some of you lean towards my tendencies, and then some of you lean towards Jeff’s.

For the crowd like Jeff.
Thank you.

Thank you for not being afraid to do things you like to do just because you like to do them. PLEASE keep doing them. Bring the people you love into your circle of fun. Remind them it’s ok to PLAY. And don’t forget to give the ones like me some grace, this is not a naturally learned behavior for us.

For the crowd like me.
Breathe.

I know it might be hard to find something that feels frivolously fun, but I want to challenge you to do it. I’m certainly challenging myself. Heck, I’m writing on this Substack; there is no guaranteed financial outcome for the words here. It often feels presumptuous that I even have 141 people who subscribe. And for years I have said - “I do not get paid to write - so there is no point in doing it.”

But here I am — typing out my thoughts because even though it’s not a month-long game of Dungeons and Dragons, I do find this kinda fun. And that’s what Jeff has been inspiring me to do.

To do it just because. That it’s ok if there is absolutely no outcome that leads to anything other than this right here.

I have a note on my phone titled Writing Love. It’s a list of people who have encouraged me to write. Every time I receive a text, a dm, or an email reply, saying something like — Thank you. I needed this. Keep writing. — I add that person’s name to my list. Maybe that’s the outcome I’ve attached to this form of PLAY.

Words that help a few people feel seen.

Me dumping out my purse to say — NONE of us have life figured out, and it would be glorious if we all stopped pretending we do.

I do not.
And This Is Normal.
And it’s honest.

And I’m going to continue learning how to PLAY.

And I’m going to remind you it’s ok to dream.

And hopefully, together, we can grab some of that elusive childlike wonder we’ve lost along the way to becoming grown-ups.

Forever cheering you (us) on ~ Allison

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